It was Christmas eve in the Pig and Ballbearing The usual gang were there, Pouring meths in the Vino Collapso And Brasso in their bitter beer. There was Pick the nose Albert from Burnley Who talked with a terrible limp And squint eyed Lilly the budgie rustler Who had teeth like a mouthful of dimps. Baldheaded Mable was ticklin the ivories And playin the piano as well Till the lid came down on her hand with a bang And we laughed like merry hell. We were full of the Christmas spirits that night Singing the Christmas songs While outside the streets were thick with snow And the usual bone works pong. Then into the room came a tattered old tramp "Merry Christmas to you all" he crooned And he staggered to the bar like a man possessed And fell head first into the spittoon. We looked at the stranger in silence His face told a story so old And he'd now't but a dishcloth and a sugar bag on To keep his Christmas Crackers from the cold "You look like you need a drink owd lad" Athletes Foot Annie bawled, "Give me a pint of Lunatic Soup," he cried "And I'll tell my sad tale to you all". I once loved a girl she was handsome To please her I tried all I knew But she was falsehearted and one moonlit night She buggered off with the man from the Pru. I swore if I caught him I'd smash up his bike And I'd stuff his pump up his vest I'd rip up his cap and stamp on his indelible pencil And stuff his bike clips down the nearest grid. They told me he'd took her to Blackpool On t' crossbar of his old Raleigh bike At No. 397B Railway Esplanade They were living as man and as wife. So I went on me pogo stick up to Blackpool And searched that town through and through She was nowhere in sight, the love of my life Who'd run off with the man from the Pru. 'Till I found them one night at the top of the tower Watching the rising sun I threw off my Punch and Judy tent and exposed myself Crying "Ey up Mabel! What have you done?" Then I chucked him off the top of the tower As he fell he threw his boots at me But as he fell the boots fell as well Because of the gravity. Mabel she wept buckets of grief Crying "I loved him far more than you" So fast as I was able I threw my Mabel After the man from the Pru'. They landed head first in an ice cream cart And frozen to death were they The ice cream man was an Itallyanne And he sold no more ice cream that day." As he finished his sad saga his eyes fell down And he let out a blood curdling roar For there in a pool of beer was A FACE A FACE ON THE BAR ROOM FLOOR !!! He started suckin the puddle of beer Where the human face could be seen, It was BALD HEADED MABEL'S REFLECTION !!! She let out a terrible scream! Albert my love!! It's you she cried!! You thought that I was dead But the ice cream didn't kill me it merely severely chilled me And froze all the hair off my head. They flung themselves into each others legs And we all let out a cheer Then the landlord opened the blindbox And bought us all a gill of stale beer. Now Mabel and Albert got married And they bought a barbed wire shop But the tale doesn't have a happy ending She's just buggered off wi' t'man from t'Co-op!